What happens when her goals and ambitions don’t exactly align with her husband’s goals? What happens when a husband and wife find it difficult to meet half way? The moment when a wife realizes that her husband doesn’t have any goals or ambitions at all!
I recently I had the most interesting conversation with a sister who has been married for close to 30 years. She shares her approach to these sorts of situations and how she found peace by changing perspective.
Salma Begum is a stay at home mother, who has been married for close to 30 years.
What’s your biggest challenge?
Besides trying to lose weight? Getting my husband on board so that we can work as a team. Sometimes I feel like i’m responsible for not only making all the decisions for the kids but for basically managing our entire life. It’s exhausting and sometimes I need help. My husband is a great guy and a loving father but he’s not as driven as I am. I have to push him to get anything done. We’re not where I would like to be in life because my goals and my husband’s goal just don’t match.
That sounds extremely upsetting!
I used to get upset but I don’t anymore. I’m just used to the way things are. I’ve accepted that this is how my life is. I used to get upset. When I would see my husband, I would see an adult who should know better. I would think, he should live up to all of his responsibilities because he’s an adult. But after all these years, I can easily foresee the next 10 years of my life. I know things will never change so I do what I can on my end.
Wow! Not a lot of people can claim to see that far down the road!
Yeah because I’ve been married for close to 30 year. So I know what I can and cannot change in my life. I love my husband and would marry him all over again! But I think I would be in this same situation no matter who I married. Because I would still be me. I would still make the same decisions and have the same expectations. I would have my goals and my husband would have his.
I’ve learned to lower my expectations and change how I see my husband. That helped a lot.
How did you do that? How do you lower your expectations?
So normally, we expect our parents to be there for us and support us unconditionally. We go into our marriage with that same mentality and that sets us up for trouble. We can’t have the same expectations of our husbands.
I know my husband. I know his personality so I don’t blindly believe him when he promises to do something i’ve asked him to do. By this time in our marriage, i’m not expecting him to do whatever it is he promised would be done by friday. I know he probably won’t get it done. So I don’t hold him to his promises. This way my expectations were lowered and i’m no longer hurt when he doesn’t follow through.
I instead focus more on his intentions which are usually in the right place. When he promises something but fails to deliver, I don’t take it personally. I know he didn’t deliver on his promise not because he didn’t care about me but because that’s just his personality. See my point?
So if he says, “Next week i’ll do that for you.” I say okay and go on with my day. Do I actually believe he will follow through with his promise? No. So I don’t to get my hopes up. I’m at peace now.
You also have to look at yourself. If I can’t change myself as a person and become a brand new person for my husband, how can I expect him to change drastically for me? I’m just glad that he tried and made the intention to make a change. That’s enough for me. He tried understand me. I’m happy knowing that.